SHOULD YOU END A RELATIONSHIP?

You Might Ask “Should I End A Relationship?”

Well ladies (and possibly gentlemen), it’s been a week! I had to end a relationship. Ending a relationship has some fallouts, but it can also give you direction, freedom, happiness and a fresh start. Whether you ponder ending a love relationship, a friendship or a professional or business relationship (as I had to do), it’s not an easy thing. Sometimes you just fall out of love; move in different directions. If there is an ongoing issue of disrespect, it needs to end. If you have been abused, it needs to end (in my opinion). When trust has been lost, it may be time to end a relationship. Maybe someone broke your trust but you both truly feel you can re-gain that trust. If so, I urge you to try, as long as you weigh the good with the bad and feel that you would both benefit from repairing the relationship.

DIG DEEP~

One of the first questions to come to mind is, why do you invest so much of yourself in this person? What do you like about this person? Do you love him? (I’m going to use “him”, for the sake of simplicity, but you may substitute her/them/person/people)- Assuming that you do love this person, ask yourself why? What does love mean to you? What is your marker for determining love? Do you know yourself well and have a strong sense of self; of your values and desires for your life? These questions are important for determining your path, past the obvious question of do you love him?

If you want a really good resource for either finding a love interest, or why you can’t…or how to communicate well with a partner (or anyone, really), please check out Matthew Hussey on YouTube, Twitter, or Facebook.  He has some very practical advice, some of which I appreciated especially today, on how to be heard, on investing in someone vs. chasing someone, self respect, how and why to end a relationship, and how to deal with rejection.  This man knows a lot about relationships and speaks to you in plain english.

Why Him?

You’ve heard of the term daddy issues. It’s no joke.  When we have unresolved issues with one or both parents, or a sibling issue, or some other unresolved difficulty as we were growing up, we live our adult life as if everyone out there is going to treat you the same way your parent did.  Sometimes we believe unfair things that a sibling said to us, or we think we’re stupid because someone told us we were.  Maybe you attract and attach yourself to emotionally unavailable men throughout your life; not because that’s what you want…but rather that’s what you know.  It’s what you know how to live with.  It’s what you feel you deserve, and nothing more. That’s not true. You can mend this and move on.

Reflect On Yourself

Before ending what may be a good relationship, take some time to reflect on your part in the relationship. Another great resource for figuring out yourself and other people, is Stephanie Lyn Coaching. I find that she deals often with the subject of narcissists, but to be fair, there are many among us, and the smarter they are, the harder they are to recognize! They can make your life a living hell, all the while, making you believe it’s all your fault. Search for a topic that resonates with you and take notes! There are many books, online resources, and YouTube videos and podcasts you can check out if you really want to figure out why you do what you do.

You have to be real with yourself though. You have to do the work. It’s difficult to look in the mirror and admit that you are not all that perfect. You do have flaws and issues and things you do to protect yourself from insults, perceived or real.  We all have walls up; some have taller and thicker walls than others. If you really want to break through those walls, don’t walk away from a good conversation, or god-fobid give someone the silent treatment or guilt trips.  All are unproductive.  I know.  I’ve been guilty of a few of them. Have the conversations, go deep. Or just think deep. Be introspective, reflective and be kind to yourself.

FOCUS ON THE FUTURE~

You have to know yourself. Read more in last week’s Parts Of Ourselves blog post. If you’ve heard it before, it’s because it’s what we should all strive for, from the time we’re little. Imagine going to a job that requires a skill-set that you don’t have. They tell you to go ahead, get the job done.  How the hell can you do something that requires skill, knowledge and understanding if you simply don’t have those things?  Make it your project to spend time with yourself, your thoughts and your memories of childhood if necessary, to deepen your understanding of yourself. Admit the things that hurt and why. Recognize how you tend to react. That’s it for now. Just recognize it. Don’t beat yourself up. Try to understand it. Be kind to yourself. Listen to this song by Alaina Castillo.  The lyrics may hit home for you. I originally heard this song on Spotify but this video with lyrics is on YouTube

Clarity

In order to move ahead with a relationship or to move away from a relationship, you need clarity. Understanding your needs and your partner’s needs is very important. Depending on the situation, you may only want to clarify your needs. If your partner is abusive physically, emotionally or mentally, GET OUT!  Get out now, and figure yourself out once you’re safe.  If it’s a matter of choosing the wrong person simply because the two of you just don’t mesh or don’t thrive together, then you’ll want to do that self awareness work and then discuss with your partner.

Sometimes expectations are unmet because they are not stated. Maybe they’re not met because it’s just not who that person is. You owe it to yourself to do the work; think, read, watch credible people on YouTube videos, listen to podcasts.  Get clear on what you want and then you can confidently act on the state of your relationship based on your compatibility with him.  As Matthew Hussey says “don’t confuse (sexual) chemistry with compatability. Chemistry keeps you interested in each other, compatability helps you get through the rough times.”

Decide With Confidence

Once you know, and feel deep down in your heart what the right action is, you still owe him kindness. If you want to stay and work on the relationship, set your boundaries, both of you. Respect one another and the process of working through those rough times. Hold each other accountable, but be patient and understanding.

If you decide to go, then have that conversation in private, in a calm manner and stick to the plan. Give your reasons (or not) but state that you are ending the relationship and move on.  Generally your decision will be received with hurt, anger or maybe even relief. Either way, be confident in why you want to end the relationship before you speak. Words and actions once out there, can’t be un-heard or un-seen. Cut the cord cleanly and move on.

I ended my relationship with a business today.  A company I will never EVER do business with again. It has been extremely difficult to keep emotion out of my conversations with the manager and others as I recognize that I’m sick and tired of being taken advantage of and not listened to. I have to constantly check myself in order to deal with the facts. Rightly so, we do feel emotional about such endings, whether they be a love interest, friend or professional relationship.  State your intentions and stand up for yourself!

Thank you for reading.  Check back next Sunday for another post from Parts Of Ourselves~

Carol Paino